Parents, Teach Your Kids Self-Control

Basic Parenting

My wife Jen and I are not unfamiliar with people (oftentimes strangers or people we’ve just met) coming up to us to commend us on how well-behaved our children are. My children are also used to receiving such compliments, whether at a new church (we’ve moved around a lot so we’ve been to quite a few churches) or at the grocery store or at someone’s home. My kids are 14, 13, and 11, but this has been the case since they were toddlers. 

And I’ve always been quite puzzled when people I’ve never met have made the effort to tell us that they’ve noticed how well our children are behaving and that they appreciate it. Now, it all might be nothing more than a nice gesture or common courtesy, which I guess I can accept with thanks and a smile.

Or they might actually be sincere and that my children somehow do stand out amongst other kids their age, which quite frankly is a bit disconcerting because I don’t think my kids are doing anything all that noteworthy when we’re in public spaces. They don’t make a scene. They speak politely, and they obey me and my wife when we say it’s time to go home.

I never thought that that was somehow praiseworthy.

And so I mention this not to brag about our parenting (we are imperfect parents in many ways as all of us are), but perhaps to lament how far our standards have plummeted that I would receive compliments for simply teaching my kids the basics, but more so to emphasize how important it is for parents to instill the right attitudes and behaviors into their children.

Teaching & Instilling

And teaching and instilling are exactly what is required and what my wife and I have taken pains to do over the years. 

My children have never had tantrums in public. They were taught very early on that fussing, screaming, and crying to get their way were always unacceptable. In fact, they were told that such behavior would guarantee the exact opposite outcome. 

Bad behavior was never rewarded under any circumstance. And it worked, just like Pavlov’s dogs, some might say, a triumph of classical conditioning. I’d like to think that even as toddlers, my kids were sensible enough to reason it out.

It didn’t stop there. There have been countless conversations in the car ride to church for instance, telling my kids what I expected of them during the service, that we were going to worship the Lord, that we were to respect others and be considerate by not making noise or drawing attention to ourselves. That we were to seek the good of others in the way we spoke and acted. And of course, I tried my best to model it all.

There were similar conversations before dinners at people’s homes. We were meeting these families to serve them and to do good unto them, not simply to entertain ourselves and have a good time.

Sometimes, we used threats, warning our kids that if they misbehaved, we’d pack up the chairs and beach toys even though we had just gotten settled on the beach after a two-hour drive to the shore. But we meant it, and they knew we meant it, and so we never had to make good on it.

But along with the pre-event pep talks and warnings, on the rides home we were eager to acknowledge their good behavior and encourage them to keep it up or to reprimand them when they fell short.

Persevere

Having expectations, sticking by them, and not letting our children get away with not upholding them is immensely important. Some might argue that this is too constricting on the children. I would argue that our children need parameters and those parameters need to be enforced consistently. Otherwise, they cease to be parameters at all.

I would also say that perhaps the rub for parents is not so much about the welfare of the kids but about the amount of effort it requires of the parents. This kind of parenting isn’t for the lazy parent. It requires effort and diligence and thoughtfulness.

It’s certainly much easier to let our children have their way. 

In my last post, I wrote about the kind of education you’re wanting for your children. A classical christian education is great. Finding good programs or curricula is important. But I would argue that without the framework and foundation of healthy parental expectations, the efforts your children put into their academics will not produce for them the ends that we as parents should be hoping for, namely the formation of their character and a life lived with integrity, wisdom, and purpose.

7 Effective Attitudes for Kids

We want to help parents teach their children well. One of the ways we do this is by offering workshops, some to parents and some to kids. This summer, we’re running a workshop for kids ages 7-12 called 7 Effective Attitudes for Kids. It’s a 5-day program in June in Vero Beach, FL that focuses on cultivating the right attitudes based on the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5). If you’d like to learn more, click here.