Work and Family in Modern Times

When I began writing this article, my goal was to lay out ways that we can help our children, specifically our daughters, grow in the christian faith. This was for me the logical next step to my two previous articles, the first about our ultimate purpose in life, and the next a clarification of what the christian life actually entails or requires.

But as I began writing, I found it difficult to offer practical advice without first addressing something more fundamental – the parent-child relationship itself. As I thought about it, one particular problem stood out to me – our modern way of life in many ways runs counter to the cultivation of meaningful relationships between parents and their children.

I know I’m not the only one perceiving it. It’s not uncommon in conservative circles to hear the refrain, “there is an epidemic of fatherlessness in our country,” or that the moral fabric of our society is fraying because of the breakdown of our families. It’s true that divorce rates continue to climb, more children are born out of wedlock, and other children never get a chance at being part of a family thanks to the abortion mills. Families really are under assault.

I’m also well aware that adding yet another spotlight on the problem without offering any real, achievable solutions isn’t all that constructive. Although I do spend a large portion of this article considering the problem itself, in the end I offer somewhat of a solution, or at least the beginnings of a real solution (I would be skeptical of anyone who would claim to have the complete solution to such a complex problem). My solution isn’t earth-shattering. It isn’t political in nature. It isn’t top-down. It really starts with each family refusing complacency and embracing intentionality and even sacrifice for the good of the family.

But it does look a certain way, perhaps a way you haven’t thought about before.

What’s a Family For?

We must begin by answering the question, “What is the purpose of the family?”

I would argue that a family is not merely individuals seeking their own interests who just happen to be related by blood and live under the same roof. Nor is it simply a way for older people to prepare younger people to maximize their potential or set them up for successful careers or create the best conditions for their happiness, or even to pass down a certain set of values, as important as those values may be.

A family is a unit. It was designed by God so that people can know God and live in accordance with His word. We practice our faith and the good works that flow from that faith first on our family members. It is through family relationships that we learn sanctification. It is in the context of the family that each member learns to love, to be patient, to forgive, to be gracious, to be gentle, to be self-controlled, and so forth. It is through the family that we learn to sacrifice and serve the interests of others before our own. And as each member does so, there forms a unity and cohesion in the family that is beautiful and brings glory to God because it reflects the very triune nature of God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, perfectly united in love.

How can all of this happen if parents aren’t spending much time with their children?

Forging Deep Relationships is Costly But Priceless

There really is no substitute for time spent with our children. As modern people living in a culture that rewards productivity and getting things done, we might mistakenly believe that we can apply the rules of productivity and efficiency to our parenting, extracting the most benefit with the least amount of effort. But these are relationships, not business meetings, and as much as we want the time we spend with our children to be meaningful, in most cases, quality time comes through quantity time. This should make sense because the goal isn’t so much to get something done, but to enjoy one another’s presence, and it is in the midst of enjoying each other that something meaningful and lasting can be experienced. To try to put “quality time with kids” into your schedule as if it could be manufactured only evinces a mistaken understanding of how it works. Or it simply shows that you don’t really want to spend time with your kids, which would make you a bad parent.

It’s also the case that our society has become more and more hostile to parents spending lots of time with their children. Deeply ingrained in our American way of life is the expectation that fathers spend most of their time working outside of the home, working not for himself but for a company or organization. Regardless of what corporate America has to say about it, no matter how well the economy fares because of his labor, and no matter how much our standard of living rises because of it, this is not the ideal situation. We are much more than economic beings, and there are costs (both hidden and overt) to the family and to society writ large when husbands and fathers spend this much time away from their wives and children, abdicating their responsibilities to train their children up, delegating it either to their wives or to the government in the form of public schools. The problem is only exacerbated by the modern trend of wives and moms doing the same.

Some parents may argue that they have no choice. Both parents have to work just so that they can afford the mortgage and put food on the table, they insist. I’m not arguing with the reality that times have become difficult. And I’m sure we can point to government ineptitude or greed and crony capitalism as a pivotal factor in all of this. Just think about the people who benefitted most from the Covid lockdowns, and it sure wasn’t the mom-and-pop shops. Isn’t it interesting that while most of us had to cope with all manner of suffering, the people in high places only got richer?

Now my point is not to write a screed on the ills of a consumption-centric, materialistic society crazed about money and things, or the machinations of the powerful and greedy who profit off of this craze, although this is certainly a very real problem. I will add, however, that we as a country are in bad straits – we are in essentially insurmountable debt, yet we continue to fund wars in other places around the world; we’re in an election year where in a country of over 300 million people, the presumptive candidates for the highest office in the land are two men who, honestly, might not even make it to the end of the next term, not to mention are just terrible in so many ways (we can’t agree on anybody else?); inflation (or price-gouging, for the more cynical of us) is pressing hard against our necks – and I understand why people feel the need to scramble for more work.

However, as hard as things have become, and as much as the government is at fault in all of this, we must accept the fact that we all have agency. Unless we are literally being forced outside of our homes and separated from our kids against our will, we must admit to the fact that we are choosing to be away from them. We are justifying it on the grounds that we need to provide for them, that without the work, our kids won’t have a roof over their heads and basic necessities like food and clothing. But I would venture to guess that if we look a bit more closely, we’d see that the concern isn’t so much about shelter, food, and clothing, but about things not so necessary for our kids, things like the latest fashions, smartphones and their monthly payments, soccer uniforms and equipment, music lessons, Taekwondo, after-school tutoring, and so on.

Now if we look even closer, we’d see these expenditures for our kids are only a fraction of the expenses. The bulk of the expenses, outside of the mortgage and utilities, go to things like eating out, streaming subscriptions, car payments, car payments on the second car, vacations, a host of gadgets and gizmos, and whatever else the parents want to enjoy for themselves. In other words, no matter the protestations of dual-income parents, rationalizing the neglect of their children on the basis of having to support them financially, the way the money is actually spent tells a different story: they have chosen to work outside the home to have a certain lifestyle and standard of living, even if that lifestyle does not include spending any considerable amount of time with the children they’ve brought into the world.

Now I’m sure there are exceptions. Some parents are really in dire straits and must work outside the home, even though the idea of it is repulsive to them. They are frugal and conscientious about their spending and live very modest lives, perhaps bordering on poverty. My sympathies certainly go to these parents.

But again, I would venture to guess that most dual-income families do not fall within this exception. They probably live fairly comfortable lives because of the two income streams. And that probably means that the kids go to school, whether public or private, spend most of their time at school or at extra-curricular functions, or they’re mostly with their friends. How much depth can there be in a relationship between parent and daughter under these circumstances? How well can a parent disciple his or her daughter in this context?

We all know what people say when they get old. If they have any regrets at all, it’s that they didn’t spend the kind of time with or give the kind of attention to the people they loved most. This is tragic. How many parents, though, are headed down the same path, failing to realize that their decisions in the present will come back to haunt them later on? If only they could see the ramifications of their current decisions on their future lives and the lives of their children, and change course. If not, you know where this is all headed. If they live long enough, they’ll be shuttled away by their children into nursing homes to live out the rest of their days being cared for by strangers, a returning of the favor of sorts.

I expect pushback on my assertions by many. I know I’m in the minority, and it isn’t a popular opinion. But my hope is that my words can somehow serve as a wake up call for some and help them avert future regret.

Yes, the times are difficult. But we must also remember that time is fleeting. There’s only so much time we have with our children before they leave us and make families of their own. It is true that we reap what we sow. In other words, we bear the consequences of our actions. If our relationships with our children are shallow now (and that is almost always the fault of the parent, not the child) when they have no choice but to stay, how can we hope for anything better when they have the freedom to leave?

We have in our possession such a wonderful blessing in our children. They are God’s greatest gifts to us. Some of us, under the ostensible purpose of providing for our families, are failing to be there for our children as we ought. The relationships between parent and child are frayed, and in such circumstances, how can we help our children grow in faith? Perhaps, that’s why parents look to youth pastors and youth leaders to do the job – another instance of abdication.

The Reckoning

The first step to righting the ship depends on where you sit currently. If you and your spouse are both working outside of the home and are sending your children to school and filling the remainder of their time with activities to keep them occupied until you’re able to come home from work, then you ought to think about the option of scaling back on work, either going part-time or quitting. Usually, this will be the case for the wife.

It’s what we’ve seen happening in larger numbers since the Covid lockdowns. Women have quit their jobs, become homemakers, and pulled their children out of school to homeschool them. This is not an easy decision, and I commend them for it. It requires a lot of hard work and sacrifice. It’s invariably a life of forgoing many of the pleasures other families take as a given, that they themselves took for granted before, things like vacations at Disney, or eating out several times a week, or really a myriad of activities that require money to enjoy. But what they’re getting in return is time, and the opportunity to make the best use of it as it pertains to building family relationships and discipling their children, which I would argue is immensely more valuable. It is the better choice, for sure.

In order to do so, you will have to have, at the very least, a solid plan of action, a ruthless tightening of the budget, a family mission that all of the members can rally around, a dogged determination to make it work, and most importantly a trust in God’s provision for your family as you seek to do what is right for your family.

But I will also be the first to say that the solution isn’t as simple as women should quit their jobs, be homemakers, and homeschool their children and leave the money-making to her husband.

I wish it were, but it’s not that simple. In other words, that arrangement – dad at work and mom at home – doesn’t guarantee better parent-child relationships. It might be a good starting point, but it isn’t ideal since it can only solve the problem of an absentee mom. It does nothing about the absentee dad.

And this is where I’m probably going to get even more pushback.

The biggest problem I see in the homeschool movement is the lack of involvement by the fathers. And I don’t exempt pastors and seminary professors from this critique. Many fathers who work outside the home only see their children for a couple of hours on weeknights and on the weekend. Many of them are overworked and preoccupied with their work. They have delegated full responsibility of the kids’ education to their wives and hardly know what their kids are learning. I’ve seen this firsthand plenty of times since that is the community I’m in. When conversations lead to the topic of how these homeschool families are educating their children, and I ask dads about it, many of them say something along the lines of, “I don’t really know. You’ll have to ask my wife.” Instead, their involvement in their kids’ lives revolves largely around extra-curricular activities like sports and other hobbies. To their credit, many of the fathers I know lead in the matters of spiritual formation, taking their families to church every week and reading the Bible with their children, but that can’t be enough.

The fundamental problem I see with this kind of division of labor, although certainly better than both parents working outside of the home, is that it makes the division in the wrong place, causing imbalances and inefficiencies, and thus, fails to address the fundamental problem we’re dealing with here, which is a lack of family cohesion and unity.

Its first weakness is that it puts all the pressure of making money on one individual, instead of spreading it across each member of the family as is fitting. We can think back to the agrarian way of life to see how every member of the family contributed to the welfare of the family in one way or another, even the little ones. Inasmuch as the work was difficult, the bonds were stronger. The commitment to the family was real. Everyone had to sacrifice. Wives and mothers contributed invaluably not just in taking care of the kids, but in producing for the family. Today, the father works while the mom cooks and cleans and the kids play video games. I wouldn’t call this progress even if we all get to do so in nice, air-conditioned rooms. This is certainly an oversimplification, but you get the point. Kids today don’t have the kinds of incentives to work hard and help the family as they once did, and this isn’t a good thing.

Second, it puts all the pressure of raising the kids and educating them on one individual, when we all know that children need to learn different things from their fathers and mothers, respectively. This article isn’t about our sons, but we should find it curious that unlike at other times in history when boys as young as 12 or 13 would be fighting in wars or apprenticed to their dads or other skilled men, today our sons hang around their mothers until they’re 18. If they go to school, they’re being taught predominantly by females, certainly in the lower grades, but even in high school. Here’s another controversial statement in this day and age: in general men should teach boys and women should teach girls, and it is best when a father and mother work as a team synergistically to teach their children. Men need to be much more involved in the teaching of their children, especially the boys.

In sum, it would be much better for the family if both parents spent more time at home building family relationships, even if that meant making less money, a smaller home, and having fewer things. In fact, it would be better for the community and society as a whole for how we parent our children, how we prepare them to live life as adults, will either have a salutary or detrimental effect on the outside world

So if you’ve made it this far, and you’re curious to know what the solution might be to all of this, here’s my take.

It first comes down to the husband/father. He must have a vision for his family. He must value the time he spends with his wife and children. He must want to be with them and not just provide for them financially. He must be absolutely convinced of this.

With that vision and desire, he must find a way to work from home.

There was a time when men did that. They worked their own land. They did it with their families.

Industrialization changed that. It made it more convenient to work for someone else, the condition being that the father had to get into his car, drive off, and spend his time elsewhere.

Now as much as we can fault industrialization for the breakup of the family, we can also use it to our advantage. We live in a time when working from home has never been easier.

The possibilities are numerous. Obviously, the work will require spending time in front of a computer, at least for now. I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I’m pretty good with it, but I would much rather not be in front of a screen if I can help it. That said, I know many computer programmers who work from home. Digital marketers, data analysts, accountants, consultants, copywriters, and project managers can all work from home. I run my own tutoring company, and I work from home.

If this is what you want, pray for God’s help and start by doing the research. Remember, this is the harder road, the road less traveled. You will face opposition along the way. People will question your sanity. There will be discouragement and feelings of defeat. But if there is a will, there is a way.

You may have to begin by working for someone else, but have a plan to one day establish your own business. The great thing about having your own business is that there is more flexibility in your schedule. You can take breaks, teach your kids at different times throughout the day, or even go on field trips together. Last week, my wife and I volunteered at a week-long camp run by Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA) that my kids attended. I could do so because I don’t have to report to an office and can rearrange my schedule to accommodate these kinds of things. It’s great. I’m thankful for it.

You won’t have the security of a 9-to-5 or the benefits, and you will likely struggle to make ends meet for some time, especially as you’re getting started. The financial instability will certainly weigh heavy on you and can cause stress, but that is an opportunity for you to trust in the Lord. If you are making these decisions based on conviction and the desire to honor Him by stewarding the time you have with your children well to His glory, and as you pray for God’s blessing and provision, I believe He will answer those prayers, and He will certainly provide for all that you need (Matthew 6:33).

Furthermore, having a business means you can bequeath it to your children. Train them up not only to inherit the business, but to expand it. This way, they don’t need to go the modern way of college and degrees and relying on companies for a job; they’ll have a source of income, one that they own and can control. They’ll be near you and can raise their children close by. You can see your grandkids whenever you want. What’s the point of investing all of that time into your children, just so that they find a job far away in another state, coming to visit you two or three times a year during the holidays?

We need a vision not just for the nuclear family, but for a multi-generational one.

One last thing. Even in this model, parents must continue to stay vigilant about how they’re spending time with their children. A family business can be taxing and entrepreneurs are oftentimes overworked. It’s easy to get caught up in work and making money. In the beginning of this article, I mentioned that quality time comes from quantity time. By going this route, you’ve given yourself more quantity time with your children. Be intentional about it, and may God bless your efforts and produce for you and your family great unity, peace, and joy.

What else is worth living for in this life?

If you’re interested in how my family is taking on this challenge, check out our site Salty Family. In it each member shares from their perspective the things he or she is learning as we try to live all of life together.

ACT Prep Course – September 2024 ACT

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